(no subject)

[rockabillyboy]

It's starting to feel like everything's back on an even keel. He's been moving his stuff over to Poison's a couple of boxes at a time, put the spare drafting table up on the Darrow equivalent of Craigslist. They're getting back into their routine. Jack's back to doing his yoga.

He's got his mat unrolled on the soft grass in the park and he's running through his routine. He bends, pressing both palms flat against the floor and holds it for a moment, enjoying the stretch.

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[shok_ebasit_hissra]

The Iron Bull couldn't remember the last time he felt this disconnected, alone, and it disturbed something deep in him, something that had been nurtured from childhood. Even when he was sent to work in Orlais and Ferelden, the Qunari had always been out there, even if the ones he usually saw were Vashoth or Tal-Vashoth.

But in Darrow, he was alone. The 'Vints were here, but they didn't understand. Dorian thought he would be better off as Tal-Vashoth, even if he hadn't quite said that out loud. He remembered a version of him that was, and the idea terrified him.

Because it meant that maybe he would become like the Tal-Vashoth he'd dedicated a decade of his life to hunting down.

Because it meant maybe the many that he'd killed had not been so different from him. Had not been savage and out of control.

Bull didn't know which was worse.

The only thing that completely disrupted his current train of dark thoughts was... an ass in the air. The Bull stopped, arms crossed as he watched a young man bend into some interesting positions in some very tight pants. "I gotta pay for this show?"

[rockabillyboy]

Holy shit. Jack straightens up and is faced with a...creature? Who's huge and solid and looks a lot like something Jillie might have drawn in the hospital. He grins at the question, though, and shakes his head.

"Nope. Total freebie."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull had gotten used to the staring. Apparently, as strange as Darrow was, it wasn't every day that a seven-foot-tall bull-man showed up. Maybe the eye patch didn't help, but at least he was wearing shirts now. Today it was a black one, stretched tight across his torso. He found he preferred v-necks.

"What are you doing?"

[rockabillyboy]

"Yoga," says Jack, straightening up and stretching both arms upwards, palms turned towards the sky. "Why? What're you doing?"

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Brooding," he answered honestly. "Concerned that I might eventually go mad here and kill everything I see in an unquenchable bloodlust and the only thing between that and me is now... somewhere else."

[rockabillyboy]

"Sounds like I'm not the only one that could do with some zen," says Jack, bending again, his arms folded behind his back this time. He keeps his head up so that he can look at the guy in front of him. "Just saying."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"What's zen?" He was hearing a lot of things he'd never heard in Thedas, and his response was usually just to bluntly ask for an explanation. Thankfully, so far, it had been working. Sometimes it made Dorian roll his eyes, but Bull liked to think that was just Dorian hiding affection.

[rockabillyboy]

"Zen is. Calm. It's your centre." He folds himself back into Chakrasana, his spine making an arch, catching his weight on his palms. His body is a bridge for a moment. "Buddhism. You find your zen by following the noble path."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Yeah, I kinda lost that when I showed up here." Bull shifts his weight, thinking about what he said. "It sounds like the Qun," he admitted, and that was strangely comforting.

[rockabillyboy]

"So tell me about the Qun," says Jack, folding down into an easy lotus position. "I'm Jack, by the way." He gives the huge guy a sunny smile.

On 8 September 2016 at 22:43, shok_ebasit_hissra - DW Comment < dw_null@dreamwidth.org> wrote:

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

The Bull had to think for a moment how to begin. He wasn't a tamassran. They and the priesthood were all in the same branch, but it wasn't his job. "It is... a philosophy. But more than that. It's our laws, our social structure. The Qun defines the role of everything in our society. Everything."

He thought for a moment and ended up saying, "Asit tal-eb - it is to be. Shok ebasit hissra. Meraad astarrit, meraad itwasit, aban aqun - struggle is an illusion. The tide rises, the tide falls, but the sea stays the same. That is the Qun."

[rockabillyboy]

"It really does sound like it has a lot in common with Buddhism," says Jack, unbelievably interested. "All life is suffering, suffering comes through desire, the way to avoid suffering is to follow the teachings of the Buddha and the middle path."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull moved closer and sat down on the grass, keeping a respectful distance. They were talking about important things. "I think the concept of struggle is different," he said at last. "Under the Qun, everything has a nature - a purpose. To know a thing's name is to know it's purpose. One can either fulfill that purpose, or struggle against it."

The struggle was an illusion; one could not be anything but what one was.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack nods, fascinated by what he was being told.

"With Buddhism, it's all about trying to..." He gestures, vaguely, trying to think of the word for it. "Shaking off the shackles of self. That's how you move in the direction of Nirvana."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"In the Qun there is already no self. You are part of a whole. Society is a body." The Bull gestures slightly; he'd never talked about the Qun this much to an outsider in his life. He'd never felt the need or desire to. "We don't have names, we have job titles. Our purpose is determined by the tamassrans when we are children, and we spend the rest of our lives doing that. Unless something goes wrong."

[rockabillyboy]

"There are people who practice Buddhism like that, but I totally don't have the discipline," says Jack, shaking his head. "I do my yoga and I meditate, but I'm totally not a great Buddhist."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull looked down. "There is no choice under the Qun. Either you are, or you aren't. It gives us guidance, keeps us from becoming savage, untamed."

He frowned as he spoke, remembering the Tal-Vashoth he'd once hunted. Would that be his fate if he didn't have the Qun?

[rockabillyboy]

"And now you're here without it." Jack's mouth twists in sympathy. "That must be hard."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Yes," he answered. "Am I still Qunari if there are no other Qunari?" A faint, humorless smile tugged at his mouth. "A friend told me I could keep sending letters to the Ben-Hassrath, but I am no good at those games. I know they aren't going anywhere. I know that I will not get word back."

[rockabillyboy]

"The mailbox to somewhere else. My boyfriend made that. You might have seen him around." He gestures to his head. "Red, red hair." He smiles faintly. "I write to my sister a lot. Think about her while I'm doing it. It helps, in a weird way."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Oh, I've seen him." Bull tried not to sound too lecherous, but how could he not notice a good looking redhead? He could tell the color wasn't natural, given the darkness of the shorter hair underneath, but he wasn't picky. "The box is a good idea. I just don't know if it will help or just make me more frustrated. I'd hate to take it out on the mailbox."

Because he knew himself, and he knew what he was capable of. Damage to the mailbox would be the least of everyone's worries if he wandered off the deep end. Again.

"There is someone close to me that would like me to embrace being Tal-Vashoth," he said, mind turning to Dorian.

[rockabillyboy]

That look fleets across his face and Jack can't help but laugh. Because, yeah, he totally knows the feeling, where Poison is concerned.

"What does being Tal-Vashoth look like?" asks Jack, pronouncing the unfamiliar words carefully.

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Savage," he answered immediately. Then he had to think about that, and that's the hard part. "The Tal-Vashoth are the ones that have turned away from the Qun, that have abandoned it. I saw them on Seheron, saw what they were capable of. I hunted them down when I had to. It was my job."

He got a far away look in his eye as he talked about it. Why hadn't they taken those memories from him? Why couldn't they rip those pages out of his book?

Bull shook his head. "The Qun keeps us from being that. It is purpose and honor and duty. I know what I am capable of when I forget those things."

[rockabillyboy]

"So...now you need to find a way to find the Qun when you're so far away?" he asks. His muscles feel good after his yoga and he stretches again, trying to stay loose. "Some way to find your focus?"

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Something like that. Or I give it up and become Tal-Vashoth." And hope he didn't lose all sense of himself, and hope it was more than the Qun that held him together. Some days he wasn't sure, but Dorian seemed optimistic. Maybe he needed to talk to him more.

[rockabillyboy]

"You sound like you don't want that," says Jack, studying the unfamiliar face in front of him. "So what would help?"

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"I've spent my entire life believing they're mindless savages, and I spent ten years hunting them down. If I become Tal-Vashoth and I am become like that, my friends will be forced to kill me or see me killed. And if I don't... if almost nothing changes. Then it means that maybe all the ones I killed were not what I thought they were."

[rockabillyboy]

Jack's jaw tightens for a moment in sympathy.

"Sounds like meditation couldn't hurt."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Meditation?" he prompted quietly, trying to reel himself back in. He needed to keep it together.

[rockabillyboy]

"It's...a means of developing your mind," says Jack, shrugging his shoulders a little, loosening the muscles. "Developing concentration, cognition, emotional awareness."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Sounded like the Qun, at least parts of. Bull rubbed his scalp, itched at the base of his horns. Emotional awareness. "What do you have to do?"

[rockabillyboy]

"Find a quiet place, mostly. A lot of people try to force thoughts out of their head, but it's better to just let them...come and pass..." He smiles. "Someone can walk you through it when you first start."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"You offering?" he lifted his eyebrow, smirking a bit. Maybe he shouldn't be so forward with someone offering to help him, but he almost couldn't help it.

[rockabillyboy]

"Sure," says Jack, corner of his mouth lifting in a smile. "That's kind of what the Zen Center is there for, anyway."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"It won't cause trouble if I show up there?" It seemed like the population of Darrow was getting used to seeing him, but there was still a lot of staring, and some people crossed streets to avoid him. He always noticed.

[rockabillyboy]

"If it does, we'll deal with it?" asks Jack eyebrow raised. "I mean, you wouldn't technically be a client because you're not paying me, but close enough." He gives Bull a sunny grin. "I've got your back, man."