(no subject)

[rockabillyboy]

He lasts about a week. It's a pretty shitty week - a lot of meditation, a lot of running, a lot of trying (and failing) to find his zen. He hadn't wanted to talk to Poison while he was carrying all of that anger around with him. Eventually, though, he finds his centre, finds his core again, and he goes looking for the man he loves.

The man he can't stay angry with, anymore.

He lets himself into the building but stops at the apartment door, knocking before he enters.

"Poison?" he says. "Are you here?"

Comments

[afabulouskilljoy]

Poison has laid low since coming back to the apartment. Once he knew Kav was back to normal he'd resumed going to the studio. He'd called Newt to apologize for his part in this mess: Newt is a friend and he feels like he's stuck his foot in it.

He misses Jack so much it's become an ache. He's wanted to try seeing it talking to him all week but he'd promised to give him space.

The knock startles him but the voice makes him shoot off the couch; he's almost in front of the door when Jack opens it.

"Yeah," he breathes. "I'm here."

[rockabillyboy]

It hurts his chest when he sees Poison again. His breath catches. It feels like forever since they last saw each other. Jack's been telling himself that he's not angry anymore and, when he sees Poison, he knows that's true. He's just relieved.

"We need to talk."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"Yeah," he says quietly. "We do." He moves so Jack can really come in and nudges the door shut behind him. Poison isn't sure where to start so he just looks to Jack, figuring he's had a week to figure out what it is he wants to say.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack moves into the apartment, closes the door carefully behind him. He doesn't sit, though. He stands, with his arms folded across his chest.

"I was...so angry with you, P." It's important to him that that's in the past tense now.

[afabulouskilljoy]

"You're not still?" he asks quietly, sort of hugging himself. He wants to be close to Jack. He fucking misses him but he's not sure if that'd be too invasive; he's not sure how much space Jack still needs. "I'd be pissed at me too. I am. I am angry at me."

[rockabillyboy]

"I worked it out of my system," he says. "Punched the shit out of the bag at the dojo. Yeah, you fucked up and he fucke up and this whole situation....is fucked up. But I love you. And that's more important."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I love you, Jack." Poison looks at him and moves a little closer, like he's asking permission. He's missed him so fucking much but if Jack still doesn't want to be touched, Poison doesn't want to violate that space. "Tell me what you need. Or what I need to do or-- just talk to me." A week of silence has been killing him.

[rockabillyboy]

"I don't really know what I need," admits Jack, scrubbing one hand back through his hair. "But I know that I'm sick of not seeing you. I don't want that anymore. Whatever we're going to do, we're going to figure it out between us."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I just wanna come home," he says, weaker than he wants to sound. "Jack I-- I know I fucked up. Just tell me I can fucking come home. I'll sleep on the couch or something if you don't want me that close."

Poison doesn't care what he has to do, he just doesn't want to be in exile anymore.

[rockabillyboy]

"You can come home," says Jack and that part, at least, is easy. "I just...I don't know why this hurts so much? It shouldn't; it's not like I haven't fucked up that exact same way. But it's not just the fact you didn't text me. It's the fact that you didn't text me and it was him, P. That really fucking hurt. I can't...I can't even speak to him."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I didn't want him, Jack. It's not like I saw Kavinsky and went hell yeah. I saw-- it was Ghoul. I saw fucking Ghoul and it got me fucked up."

Poison leans against the door, pushing his fingers through his hair. "I didn't--" He's quiet for a second. He wants to say that nothing that happened was about Jack, but it had happened to Jack so that's not fair to say.

"I saw Ghoul," he murmurs. "I saw him all grown up, which I never thought I'd get to see."

[rockabillyboy]

"Oh, don't do that," says Jack, shaking his head. "Don't blame being drunk or..." He swallows. "If you'd stopped to think for half a second, but you didn't. You let all of that loss and all of that anger gang up on you and you did something really fucking stupid."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I'm not blaming being drunk, Jack." That's not what he'd said; he'd said he'd wanted Ghoul. "I'm not trying to fucking excuse what I did, trust me I have spent the last week rewinding and replaying that in ways that didn't end with me being a giant fuckup, okay? I know this is what I did."

Poison's suddenly terrified again that he's losing this thing he's tried to hold on so tightly to. That he's going to lose Jack if he keeps talking. So he shuts up, looks down. "Jack I don't want to fight. I don't know how to have this fucking fight. I never want to hurt you like that again."

[rockabillyboy]

"I just..." He scrubs both hands back through his hair, an uncharacteristically abrupt gesture, leaving him dishevelled. "I don't know how to do this, Poison. I don't know how to...I can't fight someone who's already dead. I can't...And what do we do if, the next time, it's not just someone with his face? What do we do if next time, you're drunk and you're lovely and it's really him?"

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I cope with it. We deal with it without me being a total fucking idiot." I throw myself in front of a bus, he doesn't say, because he doesn't think Jack will appreciate the dark humor just then. But he'll do anything not to go through this again.

I feel like you'd feel differently if it was really Ghoul, he doesn't say, because he doesn't want to know if that's true or not. Because it doesn't matter. He fucked up. He looks down. "Ghoul wouldn't've let me do that." He'd have a black eye, not a boyfriend hurting because of him.

[rockabillyboy]

"Well, Kavinsky shouldn't have, but that's a conversation I need to have with him, not you." Jack's jaw tightened. "I miss you. I nee to figure this out."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"Can I hug you?" He just wants to touch him, to feel close. He loves Jack so much it's hurting. He misses him, every part of him.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack hesitates for a split second and then he nods. It takes a moment for him to unfurl himself, stretching out his arms and waiting for Poison to close the space between them.

[afabulouskilljoy]

Poison moves like a magnet, straight and quick until he's wrapped tight around Jack, face buried against him to breathe him in. He feels tears sting again and he sniffles, hands clutching his shirt. "I'm so fucking sorry," he whispers.

[rockabillyboy]

It doesn't take any thought at all to wrap his arms around Poison and pull him in close, one hand coming up to cradle the back of his head. It's something that his body knows how to do without being told. It's muscle memory.

[afabulouskilljoy]

Poison holds Jack tightly, afraid he'll disappear. "I'm sorry," he chokes. "Jack I'm so fucking sorry." Maybe he should stop apologizing, he doesn't know. He's never faced this before.

[rockabillyboy]

"It's okay," says Jack, softly, brushing a kiss against Poison's forehead. "We'll figure it out, baby."

[afabulouskilljoy]

Poison lifts his head and he finds Jack's lips in a kiss. HE doesn't know if this is allowed yet but he needs to try. Maybe he should've asked for this, too, but he's already there, one hand sliding up Jack's neck, holding onto him.

[rockabillyboy]

He doesn't press it deeper, but he doesn't pull away, either. He sighs into the kiss, melting just a little, a tear rolling own his cheek. How much he's missed Poison comes flooding back. He's felt lost without him.

[afabulouskilljoy]

Poison almost sobs into the kiss; as it is, he makes a soft, broken sound against Jack's mouth and holds him tighter. He's been afraid he might never have this again but Jack is melting into him and Poison has missed him so much.

[rockabillyboy]

"We have to go slowly," says Jack, softly, the words smudging against Poison's lips. "I'm not...I can't..." He swallows, kisses Poison again. "We have to go slow."

[afabulouskilljoy]

"I can do slow," he murmurs, pulling back just enough to talk. His hand slides to hold Jack's cheek and he leans to bump their foreheads together. "Everything's at your speed, Jack." Poison won't do anything unless Jack starts it.

"Uhm, do you wanna share a bed..? I can sleep on the couch." As long as he can come home he doesn't care.

[rockabillyboy]

"I want you in the damn bed," says Jack, softly, rolling his eyes. "Just...Yeah. I might take a while to figure things out." He says it almost apologetically, brushing a strand of Poison's hair back from his face.

[afabulouskilljoy]

"Okay," he says with a small, hopeful smile. "One thing figured out. Take as long as you need, Jack. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."